Crying is the way babies have to ask for help when they still can't speak, a call that must always be answered, since it has been studied that not doing so has negative consequences for their development. As they grow and although they can already tell us in their own words "I'm cold", "I'm hungry" (something that babies couldn't), children cry basically for two things. One, because they have hurt themselves, and two, issues related to emotions: because they made him feel bad, because he misses mom or dad, because he doesn't know how to handle a situation that overflows him ...
Grown ups We have a habit (bad habit) of telling children "nothing happens" when they cry. It is unconscious. It is the first thing that comes out to comfort them without taking into account the message we are transmitting with those three words. We're denying your emotions without giving importance to what they want to tell us with their crying. Let's stop saying "nothing happens" or "nothing happened" because although it was nothing serious, Yes, whats up.
Yes, what happens: validate your emotions
We already know that most of the time it is not serious and nothing happens, but the important thing is the information that our children receive from us. If what we want to teach them to properly manage their emotions, we have to start by being understanding with them, listening to them and being empathic with their moods.
If your child has been hurt or something has happened that has made him cry and has come to you to comfort him, the worst answer you can give him is "nothing happens." It is contradictory that we give him containment and at the same time deny his feelings.
It's like telling "You cut your finger, I know it hurts, honey, but nothing happened". How did it not happen? "I have sliced my finger, it hurts horrors and they tell me that nothing has happened here?". It is confusing for them.
The consequences of "nothing happens"
We say them without thinking, because of course we care what happens to our children, but put a moment in place. What can a small child think and feel when we say "nothing happens"? Children understand everything in the literal sense, do not understand abstract concepts and that behind our words there is actually an intention to calm them down. They receive the message that We ignore your pain, your sadness, your frustration or your anger.
And what will happen?
They will feel confused.
They will feel that their emotions do not count, that you ignore their feelings.
Will feel that you don't understand them.
We give them a bad example: The way we communicate with our children leaves a mark on their personality and as they grow, it also influences the way in which they interact with other people.
In the long run, they will stop telling you their stuff.
Positive phrases you can say in return
Instead, when he comes to you seeking comfort, connect with your child, look into his eyes and empathize with what he feels. When you are about to pronounce the aid "nothing happens", try changing it to positive phrases according to each situation, such as:
If you cry because you have fallen off the bike, it has been cut or hit: "I know you've hurt yourself and it hurts a lot, we're going to clean the wound and heal it with kisses and hugs."
If you cry because a friend has told you or done something you did not like: "I understand that you feel bad about what your friend has done to you, try talking to him to solve it."
If you cry because you don't want to go to the dentist: "I understand that you do not want to go to the dentist, it is not pleasant, but it is necessary to remove that tooth that causes you pain."
If in these situations we say "nothing happens", the anguish is even greater, because the wound hurts, it feels bad with what your friend has done and you are afraid to go to the dentist. As parents we are here to understand them, not to deny what happens to them.
Release it outside
Parents do not like our children to cry; It is logical. We wish they never did, but crying is good and necessary many times. As is the case with adults, crying helps them to let off steam and if it is on mom or dad's shoulder, they feel content and accompanied. That is what it is about: not to avoid suffering, but to support and accompany them when they need us.
That's why instead of telling them "nothing happens", the best we can do next time is to tell them, "Cry all you need, release it, that mom / dad is here to accompany you".
Photos | iStockphoto
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