When you are told that you are going to be a father, but not in any conversation at the bar no, if not when you are told with the predictor in your hand and little stars in your eyes, your protective instinct, the one that has buried everything your life, jump up and ready for action: Willing to change this world and eighteen more if necessary to make your child feel safe.
From that moment, and as they say, until the last day of your life that is one of your main goals. But what happens when my son doesn't feel safe with me?
What happens when things don't go as expected?
At the bottom of your subconscious you have the relationship with your parents engraved on fire and idealized the one you want with your children and when reality spits in your face or runs out of your arms there is something inside you that roars and tears you apart. You think that is what everyone calls "mamitis", but it is not. He has no problem with being with you instead of his mother, in fact with her the same thing happens. You wonder what you've done wrong, why don't you trust yourself? You don't know the answer, and no matter how many times you give it, it is very difficult for most of us to reach it.
These days without going any further do not consent to approach him when he is inside the pool and if he lets you catch him notes in complete tension. Of course, don't even think about making a joke. He is a very fanciful child and that also makes him very fearful and difficult to convince that there is no danger when his imagination dictates the opposite.
It is normal?
Will they be my imaginations and everything is normal? Am I obsessing with all this? I ask too much and maybe it is I who wants him to need me?
At some point in the development of our children, fear of some things will be much stronger than trust in us. They are usually stages that are happening and sooner or later they feel safe by our side again. In some cases this may be a problem, but I leave that part better in the hands of a child psychologist.
What I can do?
Well, be patient, which is not very encouraging but in the end it works best. Do not harass the child trying to trust you because in the end he will feel pressured and even more lost. The best thing, in case you can do it, is to talk with him and try to express what he feels so that he can understand you better and be able to help you. Let him know that we will always be there when he needs us, to take his time. (And I'm going to apply this because I'm going through it).
We should stop idealizing both fatherhood and think that like many other development and learning processes, it is never perfect and there will always be ditches to get in our way. And keep in mind that our son will not always feel safe with us.
