A few days ago we talked in Babies and more of those parents who talk about their children as if they were trophies, that explain how well they do everything, how hustler they are and how wonderful they are, without actually being better than others (but they tell you as if they were unique) or being really children with more abilities than the rest, but with parents who do not stop talking about it until they become unbearable.
They are parents who end up not wanting to see, because they put their heads on you like a hype with their children over here and their children over there, who are in contrast to others who also end up not wanting to see again: those parents who talk about their children as if they were useless, and that they tell you in front of the children, those affected, as if they wanted to wake them up to change or as if they already considered it impossible.
Tell children what they do wrong
Tell the children what they do wrong is something necessary (With nuances, of course, that there are things that they already see that are not right or things that are not important and it is not necessary that we are always putting the points on them). We cannot congratulate them for what they do well and hide everything they do wrong, or turn a blind eye, because we run the risk of making them believe that they are capable of everything and it is not positive that a child believes that everything he does is great, If that is not the case.
I want to say that in the same way that we celebrate when they do something we like, or tell them that we are proud, we should talk to them when they do something we don't like, be it bad behavior, or something they could do better if they wanted to. It is a delicate matter, of course, because one thing is the ability of a child and another is the expectations we put in it: do not know how to do better or do not want to do better? In addition, motivation must be added: do you do it this way because you don't know how to do it better or because you don't understand why you have to spend time doing this?
Anyway, what I want to send you is that We have to give children our opinion when we like something, but also when we dislike something. How proud we are when they do a positive act and what we feel when we see that they do something less positive. Always with common sense and, if you can, trying to generate doubt or trying to make them think: what do you think that child could have felt when you did that to him? Do you think I liked that you talked to me like that? Can you think of another way to do better?
Parents who speak to them as if they were useless
Perhaps because they expected more from them (if they expected a lot and their children did not meet their demands), perhaps because they do not want them to repeat the same mistakes they made (and see in their children a reflection of who they were and do things that parents they struggle to erase their past), perhaps because they see that they are not as they were (if they really were capable of much, but their children do not reach much), there are parents who let their children know that they are not complying with their expectations and, instead of dealing with the issue in a positive way, they do so in a derogatory way.
So derogatory that not only do they tell their children that they are not able to do things, but they say it to others, even in front of them: "Oh, mine you will see now ... you will not be able to", "This what It will do! If it is clumsy, you can not "or" My son? If it is worthless! ". What if it's hard for your father to think you're useless, it is harder for you to verify it by verbalizing it, not only telling it to you, but also letting everyone know.
Impossible for that to be positive for a child
Except for what may happen with the most resilient children, who are those who, even when they receive suffering and bad words, manage to get ahead, the most normal and habitual thing is that, before such parents, a child grows up sad, dejected and with self-esteem on the floor, because it is possible that before such a speech many children decide to continue the game and challenge the father: "Do you think I can not? Well, I will show you that yes", but in case the goal is not achieved the fall is still bigger, then reaffirms the father in his thoughts: "not only are you not capable, but on top of that you propose it, you try it and you show me that you can't."
It's a shame because the children they grow with the label of incapable, of useless, you better not try because it is going to go wrong for sure and when you have the feeling that you can not do anything right, you just believe it is true.
No one is useless!
We tend to generalize always. If a child does not do something well, or does not do several things well, there are parents who make them feel invalid, incapable. Does this mean that they really are? No. It means that you have difficulties in learning, it means that you are trying to do things for which you are not trained, it means that you have not yet seen what your potentials are. "You don't know how to do anything" is a false sentence. Of course he knows how to do things! Surely many and certainly very good, but sometimes they are not what parents would like them to be.
Similarly, when you have a problem, when you have a bad day, many tend to generalize and explain that "my life is crap," "everything happens to me," etc. Does everything that happens in the world really happen to one person? Is everything that happens to a person really negative? No, not at all, but it tends to make that generalization and fall into the error of being carried away by a problem and dye everything black, even the happy moments, because of an event that at that time generates anxiety. The solution is to try to see things with perspective, get away from the problem a bit and, in the mind, try to isolate what torments us so that we see that there are many good things in our life. "No, my life is not bullshit, it's just that this happened to me today."
Well with children the same: "No, my son is not useless, it is just that he is not doing well", and then we come to value what he does, why he does it (the child does not even want to do what he does we say that he should do, and that he should do well), if he enjoys, if he wants to do better, if he doesn't care, if there are other things he likes more, if I can help him improve, if he wants me to help him, if it's okay to say in public what we think of them, if they like it or dislike it, if we have to stop trying to be who we want them to be and allow them to be themselves, yes ...
So if you are one of those parents who talks like that about their children, try to turn the situation because thinking that you will light the fuse of rage in your child, the one that will make him give everything to improve, what you can get is the opposite , who does not even feel like it or intends to try again, so as not to fail again and not to receive a new negative judgment. And if you belong to others, to those who know parents who talk like that about their children and do it in front of them, perhaps it would be appropriate to talk to them: "Do you really think that of your son? And do you think that speaking of does he help you? Because if I'm not your son it hurts to hear those words, I don't want to imagine how he feels. "
Photos | iStock
In Babies and more | What it is to educate in values and how it is done, All children are happy unless parents make them unhappy, Never tell your child that "if you do that, Dad will not love you"
